What is wrong with me

Throughout my life, I have suffered from what could be called characterological deficiencies, emotional idiosyncrasies, and harmful patterns of thought and behavior. Taken together, I consider them to be the defining features of my person. Hence, I feel compelled to describe them on this personal website, for otherwise any portrayal of myself here would be incomplete and misleading.

I experience the following mental states and occurrences with varied frequency and intensity. At times, they make my life nearly unbearable and derail any plans and undertakings I may have.

  • I often feel alienated, isolated, and out of place. I perceive myself as separate from everyone and everything, devoid of possibility of connection or communication.
  • I dislike being around most people and try to avoid interactions with them.
    • Even most innocent social situations can overwhelm me with negative emotions.
    • I am uncomfortable within groups and institutions. I feel compelled to abandon them, which I usually do, sometimes in a pitifully melodramatic manner.
    • Social gatherings of any size can make me extraordinarily anxious, and I feel bad long after they end.
    • (Almost no one who comes into contact with me realizes the scale of this, as I can appear sociable and eloquent – right until everything falls apart.)
  • I experience intense negative emotions, persistent negative moods, and recurring negative thoughts.
    • Everyday situations can make me extremely nervous and agitated.
    • I often feel resigned and despondent.
    • I often feel worthless and hate myself.
    • I often feel aversion to taking any action or interacting with the world in any way.
    • I’m overtly sensitive to criticism or any signs of rejection.
    • Some wholly disproportionate causes, such as minor perceived failures or inadequacies on my part, trigger in me sharp, overwhelming emotions that I can’t control, causing me to act inappropriately, for instance by throwing childish tantrums.
    • I try to avoid situations that I know will cause me distress, which only adds to my sense of loneliness and isolation.
  • I lack a stable positive self-image.
    • I often feel lost.
    • I’m often uncertain of my own wishes and preferences.
    • I don’t have any long-term goals or sense of purpose.
    • Sometimes I struggle to understand my recent actions and do not recognize myself in them.
    • I feel little connection with myself from the past. My memory is patchy and I don’t like to reminisce.
    • I feel as though I have irretrievably lost something important about myself. There was a time I used to feel like I was someone; I no longer feel this way.
    • Whenever I find something that brings me satisfaction, I quickly become dissatisfied and bored with it, to the point I no longer understand how I could have ever liked it.
  • I feel like a passive observer, with very little control over my life.
    • I can’t see how my circumstances could ever improve.

Response to anticipated comments from imagined concerned readers

Thank you for your concern.

It sounds like you’re “neurodivergent”. It sounds like you have a “personality disorder”. Perhaps you’re “on the autism spectrum”.
This is most likely correct, based on my limited understanding of these categories.
Why don’t you get diagnosed?
I did receive a formal psychiatric diagnosis a long time ago. It was subsequently questioned by other specialists, and it didn’t really benefit me in any way. I made several attempts to seek further answers, but I found the whole process very tiresome, and, frankly, very silly. I’ve lost faith in the concept of diagnosis, and I can’t see what good it would do me.
“You should see someone about it”, by which I mean you should seek the services of a mental health professional.
I did, multiple times, over various extended periods of time, trying different approaches. It wasn’t very effective. I can’t help but view it as a tremendous waste of time and money.
You should introduce some healthy changes in your life.
I’m already doing this to my best ability. I swear.
You should get over yourself and toughen up. You should try challenging yourself and stepping out of your comfort zone.
Over the years, I’ve made numerous attempts to force myself into new situations, in the hopes that it would help, but they all ended in disappointment and misery. Now, I’m afraid to even try.
It sounds like you are dismissive of every available solution and good advice. It’s as if you prefer to be unhappy and enjoy writing web pages complaining about it.
I can’t deny this could indeed be the case, even though it doesn’t appear that way from my perspective.